Reflections and Connections

 

            On the first day of class, we were asked to write about what we were hoping to get out of the semester. Transferring from a different university and taking an English course for the first time in a while, I was naturally a little intimidated and shy. I didn’t like writing. In high school, I never felt like I got good feedback on my writing. I got A’s, but I didn’t know if what I wrote was interesting or simply following directions. I got generic teacher feedback like “Really good” and “this sentence is awkward” and “Good introduction.” What about my paper was good? What about my sentence was awkward?  I had also just gotten back from a trip to Europe where any attempt to journal/write during the trip ultimately was interrupted or got too boring for me to finish an entry. My entries were like “Today we saw Colosseo and ate pizza. It was fun. I’m having a fun time.”  Even worse than my inability to journal in Europe, was my quietness. I travelled with my sister and an acquaintance who were both more verbal than I was. They both had more life experiences and exciting stories to tell than me. I remember being so quiet while they chatted and walked ahead of me on the streets of Dublin while I lagged behind taking pictures and just listening to their conversations. I felt so boring, and I wanted to add to the conversation, yet I couldn’t. I didn’t have any words. My mind was just blank. So, on the first day of class, I wrote “I hope this class will empower me and allow me to become more verbal and loud, both on and off paper.” I definitely believe that this class has helped me find my words, at least on paper. I’m still struggling with the words off paper, but it’s a work in progress.

            I have become more confident as a writer during this summer semester. I have tackled topics that I feel strongly about such as the downfall of country music in my blog post “No, I won’t shake it for you” and the effects of iPads on children in my inquiry project “Generation iPad.” I used to just have these thoughts in my mind, but never wrote them down on paper. I thought that it was a waste of time or that I wouldn’t be able to find the right words to say. The blog definitely kept me accountable for keeping up with my writing. I wrote my thoughts more coherently than if I wrote them in a diary because people may actually read my blog posts. My thoughts and beliefs have more meaning now because someone will see them. My thoughts are no longer stored away in the dusty corners of my mind but out in the open.

             This may seem trivial, but my greatest struggles in the class were the five minute presentations for introducing our topics of inquiry, and then later presenting our final inquiry. They were short struggles, but they were definitely eye opening. I have no problem giving a presentation in front of a very large group of people. One hundred, one thousand, one million, it doesn’t matter. A large audience is extremely impersonal to me and I usually have a lot of time to prepare if it’s in front of a lot of people. I have no problem talking informally with a small groups of strangers or a group of friends. It’s getting in front of a group of peers and talking to them that scares me. They aren’t your friends, but they aren’t strangers. They can judge you because they aren’t your friends, but you will see them again because they aren’t strangers. When I got up in front of the class both times, my voice cracked, and I squinted my eyes because I felt like I was going to cry. I always get that way when I’m embarrassed. I managed to get most of what I wanted to say out, but I have no idea how long I was speaking for and if it made any sense. My challenge with presenting wasn’t so much a writing challenge, but a challenge with words. I still struggle with words, even if I’m able to articulate myself better on paper after this class. However, I know that I can move forward from this realization and continue to work on my confidence with words

            One of my favorite pieces that we read in class was the “Shitty First Draft” piece. I tend to be hesitant with my writing because I feel that it’s not good enough. I feel that I’m just kidding myself to think that someone would actually like to read my writing. “Shitty First Draft” gave me a few techniques like picturing the critical “voices” in your head as mice, putting each of them in a jar, and closing the top. My main “voice” is some random forty year old man saying that my writing is full of complaining, whining, and self-pity. When I write, I tend to just get my emotions out, but I worry that it sounds like a fourteen year old girl’s diary complaining about her perfect life. I’ve gradually learned to put that “voice” away, and just write. It’s still a struggle, but it’s better to get it all out, whining and all, and go back and edit later. This was especially true for my rhetorical analysis for Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy.” I was analyzing how Iggy’s music video refuted racial stereotypes, but I worried that I would sound racist while tackling this project. In today’s world, people are constantly saying “that’s racist” or “is it because I’m black?” I’m not denying that racism doesn’t still exist, but I do believe people can be hypersensitive about the issue. I don’t believe that I’m racist, but I worry constantly about offending people based on any subconscious prejudices I may have. Getting started on the rhetorical analysis was so hard because I felt like I had to filter anything I wrote. Eventually, I put the “that’s racist” voice in a jar and wrote my shitty first draft. I wrote things like “white people suck at rapping” and “black girls have big butts,” and I didn’t worry if it sounded racist. I later went back and edited the “shit” out of my essay, and the final result was satisfying for me.  

            In about a week, I will move into my dorm at UNC Charlotte, meet new people, and start new classes. This summer session was the perfect way to start my journey at UNC Charlotte because I got a small taste of this new beginning. I transferred from Clemson which was a difficult switch, but I’m glad that I made the decision. I’m still struggling with finding the right words, but I believe that my confidence will grow this semester as I start fresh at a new school. I’m going to take the same approaches with speaking out loud that I’ve taken with my writing. I’m going to put the critical voices in a jar and close the lid. I’m going to stop worrying about offending people and stop editing what I’m saying to fit other people’s expectations. And I’m going to simply say what’s on my mind more often and not let the thoughts get dusty and worn out in the corners of my mind. It’s an open road, and I’m going to take it full on.